WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
