Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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