Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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