I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
