So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
