i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
