your thong is hanging out like whoa
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
