I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
