I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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