look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
