she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
