Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize