I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
