Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
