Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
