I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
