So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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