I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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