i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
