you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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