so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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