I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
