You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize