Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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