The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize