call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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