nut hugger
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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