oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
