oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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