it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
