There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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