i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm both gender and math confused
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
