put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
