I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
