remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
