saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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