Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
