I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
where are you?
Hypothermia
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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