I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
