it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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