We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
