How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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