I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
