Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think my vagina is haunted
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
