Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
