My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
