i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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