Kiss
Puke
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
