i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
