I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
