i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
