I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
