Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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