Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
