Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
