grandma shit on top of the toilet
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
