Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
