According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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