i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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