The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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