Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
