she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
