i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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